As I stand before you on this stage
I’d like to ask you all
if you have any tips
for dealing with stage fright.
I’m aware I’ve probably left it too late
because I can hear each beat of my heart
and I feel as if I might quite literally shit
in my trousers. And actually that might
help me to remain on the stage
because it’ll be days before you smell this.
Perhaps I should picture you naked.
I doubt if that helps.
Instead I’ll just speak really really fast
and get each poem out of the way
as if I was running across broken glass
and make up crappy new obvious rhymes
if I forget my line.
After I’m done
I’ll sit back down
and pick up my pint.
And I’ll feel alright, because anyway
nobody will remember me
by the end of the night.